You can’t escape me babe…buahahahaha!

He actually compared me to Loki. I am not that bad. When will Mr. Mustard ever learn? So in honor of this I shall make a confessional of random crap I have done. I will include both stupid and devious deeds that were vengeful. Here we go, and this is by no means a complete list and you can judge for yourself.

~My ex had a bad habit of telling me he wasn’t hungry every single time I was about to cook supper or lunch, and then as soon as I would make myself something he’d run out to MacDonald’s. So one day he gave me attitude about me not making him a sandwich when I made myself one. I made him one immediately…..out of canned cat food and told him it was tuna fish.

~ The year for Halloween I cross dressed as a man and if I didn’t talk I was pretty convincing. One of my gay friends was not aware it was me and we dropped into his work, before we got a chance to explain it was me he was asking our mutual friend who I was and whispering I was hot……decent me would have immediately said something. Decent me was on vacation. Instead I played along and acted all coy and pretended I was shy and whispered in our friend’s ear which had her almost dying from laughter. I let the cat out of the bag when I sauntered up to him and asked if he liked my boobs. Hey I was 19 at the time, give me a break, and he had a really good laugh at the moment and high fived me for creating a pretty damn good stubble!

~My friend George and Rachael and I pranking the bathroom at the brand new Taco Bell…I won’t go into details but it involved the men’s bathroom and a tampon (it was clean but they didn’t know that).

~George, a dead squirrel me and a stick on the side of the road. He learned very quickly that if suddenly my side of the conversation goes quiet and we just passed something of interest it’s a good bet that I’m no longer next to you.

~George also learned that if I hit an animal with my car I will stop, even if I only suspect I hit said animal. I nailed a bird with my tire one day and I immediately pulled over to find it. I did find it and then I insisted we see if there was a nest nearby just in case there were babies that were now without a mother. I swear the scene on the side of the road must have been a riot. Him flailing his arms in frustration and me yelling that this world is a cruel place and that poor bird died at my hands.

~When I was pregnant with our son Gregory I had a nightmare about spiders, and there was a giant one in the bed. I woke up screaming and immediately jumped out of bed screaming. The first thing I did was grab our kitten Peanut. I didn’t wake up Mr. Mustard first to save him. He woke up from my screaming and flailing and leapt out of bed and started ripping it apart thinking there was indeed a huge spider in there from my reaction. Then he realized I had a nightmare and his concern turned to irritation and he said “sure….save the damn cat”.

~If you take something to make you “go” and it doesn’t work within two hours, do not by the Light of God take more. Just do not. And if you do, do NOT leave the house.

~I sleep at an angle, get used to it.

~Your pillow? It’s mine. Your blankets? Those are mine too. Your body heat…yup mine. Get ready to have your legs assaulted by my icy toes. Nope I don’t feel bad, in fact I giggle when you scream like a little girl when you feel my icy piggies of death.

~I once feigned a headache on a date and left. I went home and was typing on my computer when I heard a knock at my front door. It was late and the guy was really annoying me on our date. I mean he would NOT stop pawing at me and I just wanted to GO HOME so I said I wasn’t feeling well and I left. He showed up at my house. I only had the light of my monitor on so I figured he would think I went to bed when I realized it was him. He saw my monitor on but I didn’t think he saw me. He finally left. An hour later he messaged me and said that he saw me at my computer and I was a real jerk for ditching him, especially since he needed a ride home so my friend brought him home. Whoops…..There was no second date. Well keep your hands off dude!

Now to get into the things Mr. Mustard and I have done to each other as pranks…..ooooh boy. He once scared me so bad in college I almost fell out of a second story window in my dorm. I had a bruise that went down my side and down my hip from me leaping backwards over my bed. Did you know I can almost round house someone when they touch me from behind??? Yeah me neither! He took great pleasure in scaring the snot out of me in college. He would sneak back into my room when I’d go into the bathroom and I thought he had left. He’d either hide behind my door on my shoes or in my wardrobe. Then he’d walk behind me in the room or leap out at me. The time he hid in my wardrobe I opened the door, saw him, screamed and slammed the door shut again. When he followed me I felt someone behind me and each time I’d turn my head to look he’d dodge me. Then when I turned around to leave after getting my stuff to meet friends at the lounge he was just standing there with a shit eating grin and said “Hi”. I screamed, punched him and flew backwards over the bed and almost went out the window. He had a bloody nose and I had a nasty bruised hip. And I was going to through him out the window myself. I did scare him once myself….he saw me go in the room but when he went in he couldn’t find me. He looked everywhere but I was nowhere to be found. Finally he looked under the where we had it lofted somewhat. There I was hanging from the slat boards 😀 SURPRISED! Dropped on him 😀 Here’s the line, I jumped across it and now I’m dancing naked HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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